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I know, I know… You’ve been writing emails your whole life, you co-developed the @-sign and who could teach you, the grand master of angry cover notes, to compose your emails with even more gusto as you already do?

But maybe, you belong to the cursable range of colleagues within the following categories.

Perhaps, that’s also why a colleague sent you a link to this post. In that case, may Bill Gates have mercy on your inbox!

So now, here’s the ultimate test to find out, whether your co-workers don’t think of taking their blood pressure medication until your name shows up in their inbox…

1. You like to bring emotion and wit to your subject line

A sober description of what’s going on? – Anyone can do that!

You read them every day when your co-workers disgrace themselves with subject lines like “Presentation February numbers (Revision needed).”

But you hate every form of conformity. “If Michael from accounting knows right away that I’ve sent the February numbers, maybe he won’t open my email at all!”

So you write flowery, avant-garde one-liners such as “Heeeeeeellpppp!”, “?!?!?!?!?!” or “URGENT! NOW!”.

2. You’re already famous, but your iPhone needs an introduction

These ignorant buffoons should finally get over the fact that we’ve arrived in the modern age!

Salutations and valedictions are for geeks with too much time at their hands. After all, you can see who sent the email, can’t you? It’s in the address bar! There’s no need for “Dear Mr.,” let alone “Sincere regards!”

Who still has time for kindness, even today?

And precisely because you belong to the buzzing bees among us, you cannot be bothered with editing the signature “Sent from my iPhone” in your settings. Even the people who could handle this for you are just too busy for frills like that!

3. You’re infected with abbr. fad

The common abbreviation fad, commonly known as “a. f.”, is a serious concern for many companies. Remaining unnoticed at first, it expresses itself through – you guessed it – increasing use of evermore unnecessary abbreviations.

And before you know it, you’re calling Susan from HR about “the ad prez on B2B that you need ASAP and that should be sent to the CEO in CC and fwd. to the CFO. Thx!”

In case the last sentence looks perfectly reasonable to you, you did everything right, and the others are probably crazy. Work in a couple of loan words once in a while for additional confusion and keep going!

4. Your emails are like a good episode of CSI. Closure belongs to the end!

Just as in the subject line, you like to show your writing talent in email bodies, as well. Maybe the company someday decides to check employees’ emails, or even to publish them! And then, you’re miles ahead!

You bury the simple fact of bringing along all necessary files to tomorrow’s meeting somewhere in the nebulous obscurities of the second last subordinate clause.

On their way there, your co-workers – these lowbrows who don’t even know Honoré de Balzac – could stand to struggle a little.

Your cold from last week, your cat’s diarrhea – probably due to that mouse it caught in the garden –, your broken car and that horrible meeting last Wednesday, or was it Tuesday?

Keep on feeding them red herrings! Don’t under any circumstances mention relevant information within the first paragraph! That would be too simple and just so suburban. Your co-workers will thank you later for regularly training their attention so that they don’t become sloppy.

5. You’re the king of mailing lists

Mailing lists are the ultimate expression of productivity, everybody knows that. If anybody is being informed about each and every step in each and every department, that can only be good.

So why not put the new intern on the mailing list for budgeting and trade show planning for 2020? He wants to learn something about real life, after all.

Why not ask the pretty colleague sitting across from you to lunch via your Outlook calendar? You want to show that you own the app, don’t you?

Granted, some colleagues inquired about receiving certain emails, but that’s not stopping you.

After work, you can go home, and you’ll have an exact number indicating your day’s workload. 67 emails, 42 of these sent to lists? – Oh yeah, you’re a productivity machine!

Did you pass the test? Do you know any other co-workers, friends or family members that deserve a prize as well? Send them the link so that they can pat themselves on the back.

We all admire you and would love to be just like you! Thank you for your shining example!

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